This is it!

I wrote this title in response to a post I wrote about a year ago, "Is this it?" - meaning I'm done, that's that.  But as I typed it, I realized it also meant, this is life, this is what we have, take advantage, do it, live it.

People who have gone through cancer treatment have different feelings about calling themselves survivors.  After going through the leukemia treatment, I proudly wore the badge of survivor.  I wrote it on my Team in Training jersey for multiple events.  What didn't kill me made me stronger, right?  I still felt this way after going through the MPNST as well.  But after going through yet another cancer diagnosis, my feelings about the term survivor began to waiver.  I felt that every time I called myself survivor I got kicked in the face.  How could I be so proud of surviving cancer when overcoming one would just lead to another one?  What did it really mean to be a survivor?

Sometime during my course of Renewing Life classes, I started thinking about the idea about quality of life rather than quantity of life.  That my focus shouldn't be so much on each cancer and survival, but about living my life to the fullest, thriving through - and beyond - cancer.  I started calling myself a cancer thriver.

I had a follow-up appointment with my oncologist a couple weeks ago.  As mentioned previously, it was all good news, but sometimes good news can be scary in its own way.  You have this big void in front of you, with some scans every once in a while, but you just have to trust that your body is healed, that there are no scary cells growing inside you any more.  I think this was especially scary this time, because I'm not just concerned about the most recent cancer, but about the cancer before that, and about any new cancers that could be lurking.  I read a book about preventing and treating cancer naturally, and I started taking all the supplements that it recommended: IP6/inositol, vitamin D, lycopene, vitamin C, maitake mushroom, green tea, turmeric...it got to be a lot of pills and a lot of expense, but I was afraid not to take any of these supplements - what if it was these pills that were keeping cancer at bay?  But I can't bankrupt myself with supplements.  I can't have scans every week, can't have constant PET scans to look for new cancers; I just have to trust my body.  My doctor and I went over a plan for going forward, and I think she understood this concern about the big void.  It had already been a few months since my last appointment, but, as much of a pain it is to have constant appointments, it's kind of reassuring.  You've got people checking on you, taking care of you. 

At some point I just have to trust my body.  Treat it well.  Live healthy, and just as importantly, live well.  I've said before that none of us know how long we have.  I've made changes in my life for the good, relieving underlying stress, changing my diet, my lifestyle.  I don't always do a very good job, especially these last few weeks as I've been on the road almost every day.  But I refuse to be hard on myself for that - I don't need that.  It's still a big step forward.

So, even though  or maybe because - I've dealt with one more cancer since a year ago, when I posted "Is this it?," I feel more positive.  It's still scary, but I'm getting more comfortable with the void.   And, cancer survivor, cancer thriver, cancer ass kicker - I'll answer to them all.